Jack and Jill (by the Cover)

Quick Note: There is some mild swearing in this post. If that bothers you, please do not continue. Thank you, and enjoy!

 

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill went up the hill

To fetch a pail of water.

Jack fell down and broke his crown,

And Jill came tumbling after

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Jill: Jack, Jack… Hey, Jack!

Jack: The Frick do you want, girl?

Jill:  Go get the water, fool!

Jack: What water?

Jill: Mamma’s water.

Jack: She didn’t tell me nothin’.

Jill: She told me to tell you to get the damn water!

Jack: Liar. She probably told you to do it. You’re just too lazy.

Jill: I’m not lazy, you lazy!

Jack: Just go get the water and stop bugging me.

Jill: I won’t stop bugging you ‘til you get the water!

Jack: Rock, paper, scissors.

Jill: Okay, fine. On the count of four.

Jack: One. Two. Three. Five. Four.

Jill: Paper!

Jack: Paper! Jingly-booby-pumpernickels! A tie. Now what?

Jill: Well I guess we both have to get the water… I’ll strike a deal with you though.

Jack: What kind of deal?

Jill: If I carry the pail up to the well, and you carry it back down, then I’ll give you this gummy worm that I found.

Jack: Is that lint on it?

Jill: Don’t be silly. That’s just the sugar.

Jack: I don’t believe you, but sure. You’ve got a deal. Take the friggin’ bucket.

Jill: Wher’d you put it?

Jack: Where mom told me to! It’s in the barn.

Jill: Well go get it.

Jack: That wasn’t part of the deal. Get it yourself, you boob.

Jill: Fine, you ugly corn sniffer!

Jack: That’s right. Do what you’re told, woman.

Jill: Shut your mouth, stanky breath. Let’s go up the hill.

Jack: Ladies first.

Jill: Okay then, go.

Jack: Hardy-Har-har. Shut up and walk, princess.

Jill: I’m-a gettin’. The hill’s really steep.

Jack: Fat ass.

Jill: At least I don’t have little chicken legs like yours!

Jack: These be runner’s legs. Fill the bucket.

Jill: Fine. Now, if you’ve got such “runner’s legs”, let’s see if you can run the bucket down the hill.

Jack: I can do anything. Watch me nail it.

Jill: Not with that bucket you ain’t. You’ll fall flat on your face.

Jack: I run like a bloody cheetah. I will make it before you can say- OH HOLY MONKEY TITTES ON FIRE!!! I think my leg is broken. Get mom, Jill.

Jill: Oh crapper. Your head is bleeding all over the place.

Jack: I’m going to die of brain damage…! JILL!!! GET MOM!!!

Jill: MOM!!!

Jack: She won’t hear you from here, idiot. Go get her!

Jill: Okay. I’m going. I’m goi- AHHH!!!!

Jack: Moron.

Jill: You’re the moron! Your brain is probably all messed up.

Jack: You are the one that fell after already watching me do it!

Jill: Well, who is going to get mom?

Jack: Seriously, Jill? My leg is shattered, I have brain damage, and I am going to catch a chill covered in all the water that I spilled. You get mom.

Jill: Well, my face hurts! Fine… rock, paper, scissors.

Jack: Your face is stupid. On the count of four.

Jill: One. Two. Four. Rock!

Jack: Duck!

Jill: Damn. I lost. I’ll get mom, but she is going to be sooo mad that you spilled the water.

Humpty Dumpty (by the Cover)

Humpty Dumpty

 "Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.

 Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

    All the king’s horses and all the king’s men

   Couldn’t put Humpty together again."

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            I was patrolling the east wall for the third fortnight of my short career as a militant man. It was a cold night, and my steamy breath caressed my face as I rode my horse forward, moving parallel to the stone wall. Up ahead was a section of the blockade that I honestly dreaded passing.

There was a young man of about fifteen years that I truly believed must have been dropped on his head as an infant. Those in town called him Humpty Dumpty, and he apparently thought it was a good idea to stack crates against the wall, climb up, and settle himself there while the town was sleeping.

Normally, I would ignore the brainless lad. I, after all, had better things to worry about. There were other groups that wished to raid our city. It was the whole reason the king had felt inclined to station men to watch the border.

I could not ignore the boy though. Whenever I would pass him, he could lean forward and back precariously, waving and laughing to me all the while. I tensed every time, worried for his safety. It was not a short fall, by any means, and if he were to lose his balance, there was little hope for his continued health. Speaking of the stupid child, I could see and hear him whistling just meters ahead.

“Sergeant Cooper, still doing the work of lesser men I see.” Humpty taunted, tilting back and laughing. I gripped my reigns tighter as he wobbled.

“I would highly advise getting off the wall. It is in no way safe.” I replied dryly, pointedly acting as if I had not heard his rude remark. At least I was of a higher status than this rag boy.

“Are you kidding? I can see the whole city from here!” He shouted, throwing an arm carelessly into the air. It was at that moment that he lost stability, and he plummeted to the dirt road, face first.

I called out for assistance as quickly as I could as I dismounted my horse. Running over to Humpty’s limp body, I checked for any signs of life. A crowd formed near the scene. By the time the others had arrived, and a doctor had been summoned, Humpty Dumpty was dead.

Once a coroner had carried the body off, people began to fade back to their homes and return to their rest for the night. I kicked the dirt around to be sure that no blood would be visible in the morning. After taking one last look around, I remounted my horse and continued to make my rounds.